People tend to be attracted to the same type of person throughout their lifetime, which is a phenomenon called a “love map.” Attraction often plays a part in courting, and when you meet someone who fills your love map criteria, you experience “chemistry.” The problem is, this chemistry could lead to repetitive, dysfunctional and emotionally toxic relationships. Ironically, true love often comes in a package you weren’t expecting. It is important to see and get to know someone through the eyes of pure, unjudgemental love, which has nothing to do with chemistry. When you extend unconditional love to everyone you meet, deep and real friendships develop over time, and a wide-circle of love will always exist for you. One of these special friends may develop into your perfect soulmate partner.
Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Calling in “The One,” writes that “the external attributes that we think are so important actually have little to do with the heart of a person or those things that reflect what we call “soul.” Rarely will the love of your life look the way you think he or she should look. Because we are so attached to our mental fantasies of love, we’ll often pass right over what could be an extraordinary love experience, exactly because the person doesn’t look the way we think he should.”
Thomas Moore says “Soulful marriages are often odd on the surface.” A relationship based on genuine friendship and an attraction to a person’s internal qualities, versus external looks or chemistry, can lead to an incredible life-long love. This type of relating feels effortless and simple, and love never feels desperate, needy, controlling or forced.
Are you someone asking, “Why can’t I meet someone to love?” Then it is important to really ask yourself if you are making room for love to enter your life. You may say you “want love” but did you free-up your calendar for dating? Are you taking the actions you need to meet a partner such as using several online dating venues as well as trying new events and activities that open up your world to meeting new friends and a possible partner? Look at your daily actions, are you extending yourself in a kind, loving way to all those you meet? When you get busy living your life, you won’t feel as lonely or depressed wondering why you don’t have a partner. Instead, you will be living a full, authentic life and enjoying yourself, which makes you exude a positive, attractive energy. You will form new friendships with both men and women that respond to you in a loving supportive way. You don’t have to “find love,” you will attract it.
As stated in my forthcoming book which is due out December, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve; ideally, you should be with someone who is your best friend who makes you feel cherished, heard, and supported. He is respectful of your feelings and ideas, and encourages your individual growth and dreams. He accepts you exactly as you authentically are, and does not try to change or control you, nor is he dependent on you. Stop dating people who are not emotionally willing, able or available to give you quality time to invest in a deeper friendship with you. Protect yourself by taking the
time to really get to know someone before becoming sexually intimate. If they aren’t willing to wait, you know their feelings were not authentic or honorable. Someone who truly loves you will never push their sexual desires on you, they will be more than glad to wait.
This Anonymous quote, “Man cannot discover new oceans until he has courage to lose sight of the shore” means that you must let go of your old, toxic relationship or “love map” to have a chance for a healthy, evolved loving partner. You must change old attraction patterns, and open your heart to seeing someone’s internal qualities and gifts. Stop rushing towards marriage, and slow down to enjoy a special friendship that may lead to soulful love. This letting go of repetitive patterns involves a trust in faith, in yourself, and a clear knowledge that the world is abundant and full of wonderful potential partners to love. A quote from Antoine de St.-Exupery sums this up quite nicely, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Have the courage to look deeper within a person, to really get to know the most important qualities that they possess. These positive, spiritually-based, deeper characteristics of the soul are what you need to have in a healthy, loving, evolved partner.
Riana Mine is a Marriage/Family Therapist at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; a Certified Relationship Coach, author, and motivational speaker in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Her column, My Relationship Coach will discuss the relationship you have with yourself and others. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her book, Live Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses various relationships. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. FB: Coach Riana Milne.