Confused over Conniving Commitment-phobe

 Dear Riana:

I know I need help! My guy and I dated for about 7 years, with two breaks in-between. I knew from the moment we met, he was the guy I was going to be with forever. He showed me he felt the same way. But a few years ago, he got a new job, and now there’s another girl involved. My first question is – what is it about people who go for someone at their job – especially if they complained about work so much? He says he loves me…and he didn’t love her, but he was confused. So we broke up a year ago, because he cheated on me with her. Now he swears it was all a mistake, and doesn’t want to lose me, but he’s STILL with her…and has been since he’s cheated. He says he wants to be with me, but for some reason, he won’t leave her. Am I being played by someone who says I’m going to be his wife? I’m so confused! I’ve been trying to think if I could actually be just a friend to him, because we were best friends.  Is my gut telling me the truth? After a 7 year relationship, he just looks at me as a friend? He tells me all these lovely things, but will he continue to hurt me? He’s the one I want to marry, but I can’t deal with the pain in my heart any longer.

Sincerely, Torn To Pieces 

Dear Torn: Sweetheart, wake up and smell the coffee, and make it strong to knock that confusion right out of your head! Then have a seat on my therapy couch —- Hello??!! Why would you WANT to marry him? He’s STILL intimate with the woman from work after one year, and he hasn’t left her!  He’s saying what you want to hear to “keep you on a string just in case that relationship doesn’t work out!” You’re his “fall back” chick. After 7 years, if he hasn’t married you, he isn’t going to. Why would you want him anyway? You can’t trust him! Remember you must look at ACTIONS – not words! Anyone can say they love you – to keep you interested – but he’s MAKING LOVE to another!!! LOOK AT THOSE ACTIONS! What more proof do you need that your relationship is over? I would TOTALLY cut him off right now – after about 6 months to a year you might become friends, but now he is USING the fact that you love him to keep you around and make false promises – how selfish! Also, if you accept his cheating now – he’ll feel it is “acceptable” for him to do so in your future – IF there is a future. It’s not about the other woman, take your focus off of her – remember, he’s playing her too! It’s HIM – and his inability to make a commitment to anyone – it ain’t happening! If an honorable man really loves a woman, he won’t cheat with another – whether he meets other women at work or out with the guys. And after taking serious time to reflect on why YOU would still want a man like this, finish your coffee, hit the gym, and go make yourself outrageously smashing! It’s time to get back out there and date! Tell him you deserve more, you will be dating others, and to have a good life. You will probably need counseling support to stay away – it’s like weaning off a drug when you have a break-up. Also, after 7 years, believe me, the “Commitment-phobic” will be back soon after you dump him – so you MUST be strong! Get going…the clock is ticking!

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Riana Milne is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Relationship Coach in her private practice, Therapy by the Sea,LLC. For more than 30 years, Riana has coached thousands to personal and professional success with the Watch Me! mind-set and its promise of helping us achieve our dreams and beyond. She is the author of: Live Beyond Your Dreams, From Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, and offers the free App: My Relationship Coach. www.RianaMilne.com

Posted in Dear Riana: (Advice Letters)

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