Lessons from a Road Trip

Over Thanksgiving I had the incredible pleasure of taking a California road trip with my youngest daughter, Alexi, who is now 30 years old. Within the week we went from southern San Diego to the northern redwood forest, east to Napa Valley and west to the Pacific Coast Highway back down to LA. The trip began by having lunch waterside in beautiful San Diego in 74 degree weather in December; which in itself was just wonderful. However, hearing my youngest daughter talk of her creative plans for her future and knowing how far she has already come with her many accomplishments started our trip off with such fond memories and a realization of what a special woman she has become.

Once we got to the largest trees in the world in “The Avenue of the Giants,” we frolicked throughout the forest like little kids. We were hugging and climbing fallen trees, driving through them, going into real tree houses and seeing incredible wood carvings created by the locals. The air was so fresh you just wanted to deeply inhale the crisp, clean evergreen scent breath after breath. We then went to Napa Valley and visited several historical wineries that looked like castles to sample both the local and more popularly known wines. From Napa we went to the west coast to drive down the PCH to see three different waterfalls in Big Sur; hiking the trails early to catch the sunrise and be the first people to arrive at the magnificent, natural sites. Along the way we saw Seal Beach – with hundreds of seals barking in delight on their own private island, and lazing around the beaches – paying no attention to the many humans gazing upon them. To see these animals so comfortable in their natural habitat and the people respecting their private space was quite a phenomenon.

Driving hours down the Pacific Coast Highway, we stopped hundreds of times to admire the perfect skyline over the ocean at sunrise and sunset taking hundreds of pictures. Our conversations went from spiritual and enlightening discussions to setting business goals and new exciting dreams, to singing out loud to the popular hits of the seventies. As a mother, seeing my little girl all grown up brought both tears to my eyes, and joy to my heart. Alexi has taught me so much about living a fearless life – from putting in ten water wells in Tanzania Africa with her charity, EPIC (Every Day People Initiating Change), to climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, flying a fighter jet, and swimming with sharks, my Alexi lives life to the max, pushing the limits more than I ever did. She continues to teach me many things, like showing me how to grow my business with social media as well as how to record a podcast like hers – Transformation Nation. I silently think of the psychological stages of life, when “the child eventually becomes the teacher or parent,” a revelation emerging with the many lessons learned on this road trip. Yet Alexi often tells her friends “she is all that she has become because of her mom.” We now encourage each other to be our very best selves, to continue to grow our businesses, and share our many dreams, stories and adventures. Alexi is coauthor of our book, Live Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success. She wrote her portion in her early 20s, and she is a true example of using the “Watch Me! mindset” for growth and fearless living.

It’s difficult when your children leave the family home, and every phone call and visit becomes a celebration. However, when the child becomes an adult best friend, a colleague in business, a teacher, and someone to be admired, a parent feels the most ultimate pride and pleasure of raising a loving, incredible child into a self confident and evolved adult. Just like the beautiful nature we explored together in our cherished road trip, I celebrate the nature and cycle of life – and the beautiful parent-child relationship that I am so blessed to have with both my daughters. As they were growing up, we did many road trips on our “Adventure day.” Alexi planned a fabulous adventure for me this time! I look forward to my Christmas visit with Stephana, her wonderful husband Charles, and my amazing 9-month old Grandson, Logan. Yes, spending time with family is the true treasure of the holidays – cherish this gift above all others.

Riana Mine is a Marriage/Family Therapist at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; a Certified Relationship Coach, author, and motivational speaker in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Her column, My Relationship Coach will discuss the relationship you have with yourself and others. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her book, Live Beyond Your Dreamsfrom Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. FB: Coach Riana Milne.

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Posted in Riana's Books

Thanksgiving & Sibling Relationships

Thanksgiving is a time for many to gather together with siblings and parents. Very often, sibling relationships can be strained due to personality differences and old childhood wounds. No matter your age, siblings can bring up old resentments, jealousy, and unresolved conflicts. You don’t always notice it, unless you are at a family function, then the old roles, rules and ways of relating emerge. When you become adults and break free from your old, undesirable role, leave it to your sibling to put you right back there emotionally when you are together! They don’t seem to understand or respect the adult that you have become, and if your sibling was controlling or negative to you as a child, the old pattern is sure to emerge. Even a few hours of sibling exposure can ruin the spiritual and emotional growth you have done to overcome your childhood pain. Many try to remove themselves from the parts of childhood they hated the most but still have long-term unresolved issues with their siblings. Although distance can happen in mid-years, often they are forced to reunite for holidays or when their elderly parents get ill.

There are some things you can to do help improve a strained sibling relationship:

1)      Remember, you are celebrating Thanksgiving, a time to count your many blessings and give gratitude for life and all its glory. Keep this spiritual message deep within you and keep this feeling of gratitude throughout your day. Be determined that no one can take your bliss. If a sibling tries to start an issue with you, go to another room, say you’d rather not talk about it, or change the subject. Do something different with another family member.

2)      Forgive and let go of the past. Neither of you can change old dysfunctional childhood dynamics. Let it go, because you were both emotionally immature to settle issues while young. When facing a difficult sibling, use the “Watch Me! mindset” as described in my book, LIVE Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success to empower you, raise your self-esteem and confidence levels. Live consciously in “the now” and focus on creating a totally new relationship for the future by extending love, and not allowing past fear, anger or resentments to ruin your day. Forgiving helps you be a better person, and removes you from the role of victim which gives you a sense of personal emotional power and control.

3)      Be “socially polite” to any difficult family member and be certain not to discuss any personal or hot topics. Many siblings get jealous over the success of another, so you will see them shut down, challenge, or belittle you, to avoid discussing any of your recent successes, which is a shame; as your family should be the most proud of you. You can’t control what your siblings might say or do, but you have the full ability to control your reaction to it.

4)      If your sibling did anything abusive or sexually molested you, don’t feel you need to be at the same gathering as them. See a professional Relationship Coach or Therapist to help you deal this pain from the past and to work up a plan to approach your sibling only when you feel ready.

5)      Chose to have a smaller Thanksgiving with your immediate family, or treat yourselves to a nice dinner out. Chose to surround yourself with positive people. This holiday, practice spiritual meditation or prayer; and your sibling from a place of peace and love can make a huge difference.

6)      Be positive and non-blaming when you meet with your siblings. If they said you did something wrong to them  in the past, then apologize sincerely and ask for you both to try for a more loving and respectful relationship presently and in the future. Tell them you are happy to see them, and wish for a lovely day to share with them and the family.

7)      Be proud that you tried to heal old childhood issues and let go of the result. About 65% of siblings are willing to heal the past and have a new relationship. So go for it! Life is too short to hold on to anger, resentment and old grudges over issues that cannot be changed. Celebrate your sibling’s successes, and they are more apt to celebrate yours. Be focused and emotionally prepared to be a loving source of peace and light this Holiday season. I wish you many Blessings!

Riana Mine is a Marriage/Family Therapist at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; a Certified Relationship Coach, author, and motivational speaker in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Her column, My Relationship Coach will discuss the relationship you have with yourself and others. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her book, Live Beyond Your Dreamsfrom Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. FaceBook: Coach Riana Milne.

Posted in Riana's Books

Keeping Love & Passion in Your Relationship

Within Tony Robbins audio/video presentation: Love & Passion: The Ultimate Relationship Program, Tony describes the six basic human needs to be happy in a relationship. He feels you can transform any relationship by using and understanding these techniques, especially if you understand which needs are most important to your partner. Couples tend to stay together when they know how to meet each other’s basic human needs, which are:

1)       Certainty: the security that our partner loves us and has our best interests at heart.

2)       Variety/Uncertainty: having variety in life keeps it exciting and playful.

3)       Significance: your partner feels important, good enough, special, wanted and needed.

4)       Love/Connection: everyone needs to feel they are loved and most do desire a true love connection to a special partner.

5)       Growth: each partner has a need to continue to grow in the areas of emotion, spirituality, and intellect; and their partner should support these efforts.

6)       Contribution: it is important for one to give to others beyond their own needs, and to feel they can make a difference in the world.

Tony goes on to explain that there are seven Master Skills of relationships that are essential to understand and practice on a daily basis. By understanding the needs and feelings of your partner and yourself, you can create a loving, extraordinary relationship. The skills are as follows:

1)       Heartfelt understanding: Put your partner first by showing emotional empathy which allows for a connection that is really supportive.

2)       Give your partner what they really need: It is important to give love instead of focusing on what you are not getting. You need to love your partner no matter what, and often show adoration and give praise.

3)       Create and build trust and respect: Trust grows when your partner can count on you, when you are emotionally available, live authentically, and when you have positive intent with a true commitment to meeting your partner’s needs. You forgive easily and forget their errors.

4)       Reclaim playfulness, presence and passion: Being present to your partner and showing affection daily, as well having an open heart to full emotional engagement without holding anything back.

5)       Harness courage and embrace honesty: Holding back the communication of our needs leads to a lack of passion. It is essential that you break through your fears so you can be completely honest and vulnerable with your partner and tell them everything you feel at the time it is happening.

6)       Uncover and create alignment: It is important that both partners continue to grow in a positive way as you develop higher meaning to life. You must appreciate the other and understand the power of gratitude and giving to others in need.

7)       Live Consciously, be an example: Create a life that shows a good example to your partner, family, and the world.

It is highly suggested you acquire this program, read my forthcoming book, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love you Deserve, or hire a Relationship Coach to help continue to improve your relationship skills or to evoke a positive change in your relationship, especially during times of uncertainty, anger, stress, or life transition. Dysfunctional, toxic relationships can be changed! Relationship skills are not taught to us, we must take the time to learn them, and always be open to improving them to have a passionate relationship that lasts.

Riana Mine is a Marriage/Family Therapist at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; a Certified Relationship Coach, author, and motivational speaker in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Her column, My Relationship Coach will discuss the relationship you have with yourself and others. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her book, Live Beyond Your Dreamsfrom Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. FB: Coach Riana Milne.

Posted in Riana's Books

Do you Suffer with Relationship Repetition Syndrome (RRS)?

Dr. Seth Meyers, PsyD., author of the book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription, writes about ways to overcome and break the cycle of Relationship Repetition Syndrome (RRS). RRS is a repetitive behavioral cycle that leads to one sabotaging love relationships. You either idealize a partner on external traits, try to save them from bad choices and the consequences, sacrifice yourself to prove your worthiness, or emotionally chase your desired partner. You are attracted to a partner who never seems to meet your emotional needs, and then down the road, realize they aren’t good for you. Usually those who repeat toxic relationships were children who were somehow mistreated, abandoned, rejected, neglected or abused. As an adult, you unconsciously try to re-create, then solve and heal the original trauma that was experienced. According to Dr. Meyers, one or several factors lead to the repetition of choosing dysfunctional or toxic partners:

  1. Fear compels you to repeat what you are familiar with. Past trauma reminds you it isn’t safe to love or trust another, or to be vulnerable, and attracts you to stay with what you know.
  2. Denial of past anger, sadness, emotional needs or painful feelings. You must be able to understand how your past childhood patterns contributed to the dysfunction of your relationships. Denying accountability keeps you stuck in continuing to choose harmful partners.
  3. Impulsive Coping Style includes jumping into a relationship too quickly without knowing if this person could be a healthy partner. This happens due to boredom, sadness or loneliness; or you may be addicted to cheap drama.
  4. Distorted Beliefs: You tend to be overly attracted to the fantasy of the romantic relationship and not choosing a realistic partner who’s responsible and down to earth.

As described in my forthcoming book, Love Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve; it is essential to know the early warning signs of toxic partners! Stop dating someone as soon as you see any potential problems to save yourself from heartache. Relationship Repeaters are people that tend to have a core belief of either feeling helpless or not good enough. How you feel about yourself influences how you feel about your life over all, and seriously influences who you choose to date. It is important to get some Life Coaching to develop a healthy self-love and confidence level in all your various life spheres. You will learn how to choose better dating partners, and that a person’s internal qualities are the true gift to having the love you deserve.

To stop toxic, relationship repeating, slow down the dating process so you can make sound judgments and not get caught up in the falsity of attraction and romance. A great partner will have an evolved life; fully positive, successful, purpose-driven, and productive. They are balanced, live with integrity, and have stable moods and really do, “have it all together.” Most importantly, they are emotionally available for love, and looking for an equally evolved life partner. They are out there – you just need to know the right type of person to look for, and be totally ready yourself!

Riana Mine is a Marriage/Family Therapist at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; a Certified Relationship Coach, author, and motivational speaker in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Her column, My Relationship Coach will discuss the relationship you have with yourself and others. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her book, Live Beyond Your Dreamsfrom Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. FB: Coach Riana Milne.

Posted in Riana's Books

What Does “The Perfect Partner” Look Like?

People tend to be attracted to the same type of person throughout their lifetime, which is a phenomenon called a “love map.” Attraction often plays a part in courting, and when you meet someone who fills your love map criteria, you experience “chemistry.” The problem is, this chemistry could lead to repetitive, dysfunctional and emotionally toxic relationships. Ironically, true love often comes in a package you weren’t expecting. It is important to see and get to know someone through the eyes of pure, unjudgemental love, which has nothing to do with chemistry. When you extend unconditional love to everyone you meet, deep and real friendships develop over time, and a wide-circle of love will always exist for you. One of these special friends may develop into your perfect soulmate partner.

Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Calling in “The One,” writes that “the external attributes that we think are so important actually have little to do with the heart of a person or those things that reflect what we call “soul.” Rarely will the love of your life look the way you think he or she should look. Because we are so attached to our mental fantasies of love, we’ll often pass right over what could be an extraordinary love experience, exactly because the person doesn’t look the way we think he should.”

Thomas Moore says “Soulful marriages are often odd on the surface.” A relationship based on genuine friendship and an attraction to a person’s internal qualities, versus external looks or chemistry, can lead to an incredible life-long love. This type of relating feels effortless and simple, and love never feels desperate, needy, controlling or forced.

Are you someone asking, “Why can’t I meet someone to love?” Then it is important to really ask yourself if you are making room for love to enter your life. You may say you “want love” but did you free-up your calendar for dating? Are you taking the actions you need to meet a partner such as using several online dating venues as well as trying new events and activities that open up your world to meeting new friends and a possible partner? Look at your daily actions, are you extending yourself in a kind, loving way to all those you meet? When you get busy living your life, you won’t feel as lonely or depressed wondering why you don’t have a partner. Instead, you will be living a full, authentic life and enjoying yourself, which makes you exude a positive, attractive energy. You will form new friendships with both men and women that respond to you in a loving supportive way. You don’t have to “find love,” you will attract it.

As stated in my forthcoming book which is due out December, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve; ideally, you should be with someone who is your best friend who makes you feel cherished, heard, and supported. He is respectful of your feelings and ideas, and encourages your individual growth and dreams. He accepts you exactly as you authentically are, and does not try to change or control you, nor is he dependent on you. Stop dating people who are not emotionally willing, able or available to give you quality time to invest in a deeper friendship with you. Protect yourself by taking the

 

 

 

time to really get to know someone before becoming sexually intimate. If they aren’t willing to wait, you know their feelings were not authentic or honorable. Someone who truly loves you will never push their sexual desires on you, they will be more than glad to wait.

This Anonymous quote, “Man cannot discover new oceans until he has courage to lose sight of the shore” means that you must let go of your old, toxic relationship or “love map” to have a chance for a healthy, evolved loving partner. You must change old attraction patterns, and open your heart to seeing someone’s internal qualities and gifts. Stop rushing towards marriage, and slow down to enjoy a special friendship that may lead to soulful love. This letting go of repetitive patterns involves a trust in faith, in yourself, and a clear knowledge that the world is abundant and full of wonderful potential partners to love. A quote from Antoine de St.-Exupery sums this up quite nicely, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Have the courage to look deeper within a person, to really get to know the most important qualities that they possess. These positive, spiritually-based, deeper characteristics of the soul are what you need to have in a healthy, loving, evolved partner.

 

Riana Mine is a Marriage/Family Therapist at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; a Certified Relationship Coach, author, and motivational speaker in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Her column, My Relationship Coach will discuss the relationship you have with yourself and others. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her book, Live Beyond Your Dreamsfrom Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses various relationships. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. FB: Coach Riana Milne.

Posted in Riana's Books

For Optimum Growth, Continue to Challenge Yourself

All relationships begin with “the Self.” Psychological research on Love and relationships prove that to have a happy relationship, you must love yourself first. This is not a narcissistic, selfish type of love, but a healthy regard and respect for one’s self and place in life. When you feel complete, happy and whole, balanced and are living your purpose in life, then you are ready to offer and receive a healthy, evolved partner. With an Inter-Personal relationship dynamic, the love relationship works when there are two “complete and evolved” successful individuals who then choose to blend their lives together.

So if you are single, and looking for love, what do you need to do to get your life together? As mentioned in my book, LIVE Beyond your Dreamsfrom Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, it is important you evaluate all of your life spheres to appraise your holistic personal, mental and physical health and well-being. This includes body weight, health and fitness, a sense of spiritual faith, sound finances without debt, happiness and joy within your career, success as a loving parent with accomplished children, and having an overall balance in life. The balance triangles mentioned in my book include – an equal time of work, play, and relationship. As a Singles Coach, I work with adults of all ages to reach their personal potential within their life spheres. When these life spheres are fulfilled, this is the perfect time to look for a life partner.  Or, you may choose to take some time to challenge yourself with a new personal, business or creative pursuit.

If you start to feel anxious, bored or exhausted within your career, for example, it is your internal being telling you it is time to take on a new challenge and push your limits. This could include getting a higher degree, a specialized certification, or apply for a better paying position. I just passed the Florida State licensing exam over the weekend, a grueling 4-hour test with a 50% Fail rate. This accomplishment broadens my options to be a therapist in Florida, upon my retirement, should I choose to be there. Having a Plan B in your career, is always a great idea in today’s unsettled economy. New accomplishments also lead to an increased sense of personal power, respect and confidence as you continue to reach your highest potential. While you take on these heavy challenges, you may need more personal time to stay focused and complete the task. If you are single, it is a perfect time to do this. However, if you have a partner in your life, you must clearly ask for their support while you feel the need to reach a new particular, personal goal.

Goal setting – daily, weekly, monthly, and 6-months to two years goals, keep you personally growing and living your life with purpose, leading to success in all your life spheres. Your goals and accomplishments will set an excellent example to your children, about living a purpose-filled life. If you have a family, as you grow individually, always remember the balance triangle of – Self, Children, and Partner. When the balance triangles become askew, you will feel stress and exhaustion, and it is time to rebalance. Remember to schedule fun into your life – for yourself, you and your partner, and for you and your children. These memories with your spouse and children will never be forgotten, and cherished over many years. Invest the time, it’s worth it!

Make a decision to “Just do it.” Go with blind faith, go for it, and dare to dream! Challenge yourself to grow into your best self yet. As Joel Osteen, Pastor of the Lakewood Church in Houston says, “Radical beliefs, brings radical blessings. Believe bigger and go beyond your barriers.” Use your gifts, and challenge yourself to learn and create new ones. We are given one life, what are you waiting for? 

Posted in Life Coaching

A CALL to LOVE – in RELATIONSHIPS

              Many times in our lives, we will have moments where someone verbally attacks us – for no good reason. Whether it comes from your boss, spouse, partner, parent, child, good friend, or an acquaintance; you will be unfairly challenged. You have a split second to decide what you will do. A teaching from the book, A Course of Miracles, which is a Christian-based, spiritual and psychological study that I follow as part of my faith, calls this moment “A Call to Love.”

            This weekend I went to my favorite beach and I saw a few “regulars” who I’ve known for years, gathered to celebrate the 80 degree weather the second weekend of October.  Other “regulars” joined the gathering throughout the weekend, and new friends were made. The second day, however, after an hour of my arrival, all of a sudden, out of the blue, a gentleman I have seen at the beach for years, was verbally cruel to the man sitting nearby me, someone I just met. I had the pleasure of getting to know the first man fairly well this summer, and none of us expected such a verbal put-down from him. We all got quiet because we were shocked. The counselor in me felt I had to diffuse the situation, and after a few moments I said in a caring and gentle way, “Ah common, you don’t mean that, you’re always so kind.” Then he began to verbally assault me. Again, the group was stunned. In these situations you have one of three choices.

            One – ignore the person, say nothing, stew inside and let it ruin your day. Two – enter into verbal combat which escalates everything and makes things much worse; and Three – quiet and calm yourself, close your eyes and breathe, and begin doing some internal self-talk. Self-talk can be either negative or positive, and everyone has internal dialogue. When two people fight – your self-talk can escalate or de-escalate a problem. I know this man fairly well, and think of him as a kind, generous person that everyone likes. I chose to think he was having a bad day, and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. My thoughts went deep within my spiritual faith and chose to do “A Call to Love” and mentally forgave him. I stayed to myself most of the afternoon, as I was reading anyway. As the man was leaving the beach, I wished him a “blessed winter” and really meant it. As an Inter-faith Minister and Counselor, it was important for me to do the right thing, and wish him happiness. This is the code I live by. He did respond, “You too.” It could have been left on a peaceful note, however, the other man who was insulted started laughing, which antagonized the situation once more. I said again, “I meant it – if I don’t see you over the winter, I wish you well.” I chose to say and think compassionate, loving thoughts – for both myself and this summer acquaintance.  

            As I Coach my couples, there are many times a “Call to Love” can totally change a fight, an angry person’s attack, or someone who is saying hurtful, irrational things to you. You are choosing to stay calm, think, and verbalize peaceful, loving thoughts. This is very personally powerful and yet, not easy to do. However, if you learn this technique, you will feel better and in control no matter what the other party says to you. It will give the antagonist something to think about, and hopefully calm him down so you can have a beneficial discussion about an issue later. All choices come from a place of either “Love” or “Fear.” Choosing Love gives you internal peace, the ability to forgive harms done against you, and the choice to remember each experience – or person – in a compassionate, loving way. 

Posted in Life Coaching
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